Tina Belcher. The woman we all aspire to be. Throughout Bob’s Burgers, Tina has shown that she can be a grown ass woman in a lot of situations, but she’s even more grown when it comes to her love life. She wants what she wants and she doesn’t care how embarrassed she needs to get in order to obtain it. That’s the beauty of Tina Belcher, she’s taking her budding sexuality by the balls and not stopping until she lands herself a keeper.

There have been a couple of boys in Tina’s life since the start of the show, but what about the others? What about the new ones? For Valentine’s Day, I’ve ranked the Top Ten Loves in Tina’s life (so far…). This list goes from super bad to the best of the best. Let’s all hope the Tina finds the true love of her life.

10. Jonas
Jonas is… a piece of work. Jonas is a delivery boy and a passing crush of Tina’s in the episode “Uncle Teddy.” (S4E14) In the episode, he basically uses his looks to take advantage of  Tina to gain access to the restaurant for him and his friends. Not cool, Jonas, not cool. Tina’s absolutely hypnotized by Jonas’ good looks instead of seeing him for who he really is. We’ve ALL been there before, for better or for worse, but thankfully, Tina wakes up and Teddy gives him and his moped a great off the cliff treatment to wake HIM up. Also, he plays a melodica, which honestly sounds like the coolest instrument in the world if Jonas wasn’t playing it. It’s wasted on an awful, awful boy!

9. Nathan

In “Beefsquatch” (S2E9), Nathan was a massive fan of Get On Up with Chuck and Pam. He went to every taping, but couldn’t get close to Pam, who he had a super duper deep odd weirdo crush on. In an attempt to taste her hair, he starts dating Tina because Bob and Gene had a segment on the show, so she had backstage pass access to his crush. Nathan is another piece of work who basically used Tina for his own personal gain. He’s super terrible. That’s it. He also totally has the signs to be an abusive boyfriend? The way he speaks to Tina telling her “don’t tell me how to love you” and just in general being a terrible human specimen of a boy, really rubs you the wrong way. *blows raspberries at Nathan*

8. Joe Harrison
There will be a lot of boys with J names on this list and Joe Harrison is another one that Tina will probably never get. Tina develops a small crush on Joe Harrison when she makes eye contact with him in the episode “Large Brother, Where Fart Thou?” (S7E5) She purposes puts herself in detention after messing with Mr. Frond’s display in order to make more eye contact with him and at the end of the day, he totally looks her way.

I honestly want to know more about Joe Harrison! I want to know what Joe Harrison is about! He looks like a pretty decent kid and the fact that he made eye contact with Tina has got to mean something, right? I say we bring Joe Harrison back, have him fall in love with Tina and give him more screentime! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!  

7. Tammy Larsen
First, don’t look at me like that. Second, give me a chance to explain myself and this choice. Tina has NEVER had a crush on Tammy or vice versa, I acknowledge that, but they have all of the ingredients for the classic trope of enemies to lovers. It would be kinda cool if Bob’s Burgers gave a super twist to Tina’s next love interest, but I acknowledge that it probably won’t happen.

Just think about it for a second. Tina and Tammy are basically rivals but they started out as friends first. Tammy usually says really mean things to Tina, but Tina always comes back just as hard (if she gets a word in edgewise). Tammy is almost always a little jealous of Tina and Tina still thinks that they can be friends, but after all the mean things that Tammy and Tina say to each other, I think they have the potential to look past middle school drama bombs and develop crushes on each other. Listen, I know this is wishful thinking, let me have my dream.

6. Jeff
Oh Jeff. The best ghost boyfriend who ever lived, until you know… he wasn’t. “Tina and the Real Ghost” (S5E2) introduced us to Jeff, a ghost who supposedly lived in the basement of the restaurant. After Linda, Gene, Louise and Tina talk to the ghost, they find out that he’s a 13 year old boy. This really makes Tina happy, which we all love to see. They go out on little dates like a butterfly exhibit, but after they become ghost-boyfriend and girlfriend, Jeff “switches” girlfriends and wants to date Tammy instead, breaking it off with Tina via steamed message on the bathroom mirror. Well, spoilers, it turned out that Louise was playing everyone into thinking that Jeff was real, Tammy was playing everyone into thinking Jeff switched girlfriends and Tina, in the end, gets a bit of a last laugh.

Jeff was an interesting boyfriend for Tina. I actually liked them together quite a bit. When Tina took Jeff to the butterfly exhibit, and a butterfly landed on her nose as Jeff was giving her butterfly kisses, I couldn’t help but smile. She needs that kind of attention and love from someone. Even though he wasn’t a physical boy, it was really cute to see Tina in a state of being caring and cute with a boy.

5. Darryl
DARRYL. I love Darryl so much. I don’t think he’s right for Tina though, but he does know how to treat a woman after some Hitch-type coaching. In “Can’t Buy Me Math” (S5E11), he and Tina hatch a plan to date each other in order to get their actual crushes, Rose Batista and Jimmy Jr. In order to do this, they would need to win ‘Cupid’s Couple’ at the Valentine’s Day dance. Tina coaches Darryl in the meantime on how to be a boyfriend, which worked… a little too well.

They break up after the dance in front of Jimmy Jr., Rosa, and most of the school. Tina starts to get jealous of Darryl and Rosa, believing that she really does have feelings for Darryl and ends up breaking up Rosa and Darryl for a little while. Thankfully, she fixes their relationship, but Tina is still left alone. Darryl is a really great guy to be in a relationship with though. He’s one of the best guys ever. Have you heard that voice? *melts*

4. Jordan Cagan
In the episode “The Land Ship” (S6E2), Tina attempts to spice up her life and hang out with Ghost Boy, who she discovers, is Jordan Cagen, a fellow Wagstaff student, underneath it all. To be all the fair, before they “did something like kissing”, this was a relationship that Tina could easily blend into and… was actually pretty cool for her. Jordan was a “bad boy” with his graffiti tag, but he introduced a polite kind of bad dude that is actually kinda cool for Tina to be with.

Tina had to make the impossible decision either to help Jordan with his master plan of painting Ghost Boy on the Land Ship OR deciding to cover it up. She decided the latter, putting her relationship with him in a downfall. Even though Jordan was one of the cool choices for Tina, I have to put him at #4 for his kissing skills. He… is a terrible kisser. Tina even said that it was hard for her to breathe when he kissed her, but — to give him some credit — Tina was his first kiss, so one day, he will hopefully learn how to not smother anyone with his mouth.

3. Jimmy Pesto Jr.
Jimmy Pesto Jr. is the WORSSSSSTTTTTTTT. Tina has pinned over Jimmy since the beginning, but he hasn’t yet realized how in love with her he really is. There’s just something about Jimmy that she just can’t get over (his butt), but some of us just really wish she would. Tina has “logged over 3000 fantasy hours with him”, but the way he treats her is like she’s an afterthought. Jimmy likes the attention that he gets from Tina even though, most of the time, he seems annoyed by it. That is, until Tina is around another boy, he all of a sudden becomes jealous and needs her to be with him.

Jimmy is the boy you’ve pined over, doesn’t want you, but when you find someone better… you’re the most important girl in his life. Tina deserves better than Jimmy Pesto Jr. and his wishy washy attitude. After “The Land Ship” (S6E2), it seems like they were going on a path that might lead to more. BUT BUT BUT, that doesn’t excuse the fact that, JIMMY IS STILL THE WORSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT. I only put him as #3 because of Tina’s logged fantasy hours with him and the fact that when he IS good to Tina… he’s actually kinda dope.

2. Zeke
Hear me out. I love Tina and Zeke together for a lot of different reasons. Reason #1, his name doesn’t begin with J, so that’s an automatic plus. Reason #2, he pays attention to Tina WAY more than almost anyone else has. I think Tina and Zeke could probably be a potentially cool couple if they both gave each other a chance. A couple of episodes that really helps my theory start with “Broadcast Wagstaff School News.” (S3E12) When Tina was researching who the Mad Pooper was. It was discovered that Zeke was the one who was pooping all over the school, but he was going to stop until he noticed that the story was important to Tina, so he continues. I mean… can you think of a better way to get a girl’s attention?

Midday Run” (S5E8) is another episode that really catches their cuteness together because they’re basically stuck together for half of the episode. Zeke even says to Tina, ““Damn Tina, now I got a story to tell on our wedding day. You think that’s not gonna happen, but I’ll getcha girl! I’m gonna getcha!” HOW CUTE IS THAT?! I think Zeke would be a perfect match for Tina at the end of the day. He pays WAY more attention to what she wants and he’s actually super sweet underneath it all. Zeke’s a great guy. I will fight someone who doesn’t think so.

1. Josh

*takes a deep breath*

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system. Josh could and would have been perfect for Tina if she didn’t let her greed get in the way. Josh first met Tina in a blind date situation in the episode “Lindapendent Woman” (S3E14). It was interesting to watch them get along behind the dairy freezer. It would have been interesting to see this relationship carry on for awhile. Josh seems very sweet towards Tina and super attentive to her needs.

However, in “Two for Tina” (S3E17), Tina has to decide to go to the dance with Josh or Jimmy Jr. Josh treats her so kindly and Jimmy Jr. only wants her because another boy has her. By the time they get to the dance, the boys engage in a dance off for Tina’s attention. Tina does the one thing that will either make or break something. It’s always lovely when a character wants to make polyamory work, however, the boys were not about that type of life and they left her alone. She could have had it all! OR at least Josh! Josh is and always will be the best boy for Tina because of his absolute sweetness and his epic dancing skills. I wish Tina and Josh would work out.

*side eyes to Bob’s Burgers writers*

Insha Fitzpatrick
co-editor in chief of dis/member & rogues portal. hufflepuff. frmly of geek.com. talks on film runners. craves horror films. loves true crime. tries her best.

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