Unlikely Predictions For Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life

It’s been nine years since we last checked in with the members of the Gilmore family and the quirky residents of the town of Stars Hollow. I’m sure what we’re all looking forward to most with the release of the new season is getting to see what our favourite characters have been up to since we left them at Rory’s goodbye party.

Here is what one possible timeline might look like:

Episode One: Spring

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  • Emily needs a minor heart procedure and refuses to allow anyone except highly respected cardiovascular surgeon, Paris, perform the operation. Paris and Doyle stay at The Dragonfly. Doyle, the Editor of a large city newspaper, is bored with quaint small-town life, so Paris encourages him to indulge his dream of being a private detective and follow someone around. Doyle chooses Michel. Michel realizes he is being watched and assumes that Doyle must be considering writing a profile about him, so he stages a series of increasingly odd and theatrical scenes around the inn. Emily’s procedure is a success. While in recovery, she and Paris bond over the joys and struggles of being strong, unpleasant, women.

Episode 2: Summer

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  • Luke’s experiment with the hipster coffee shop craze ends with him literally chasing his new patrons out the diner. He throws a rolled up newspaper at a guy on a penny-farthing. After seeing a performance of the Vagina Monologues, Patty and Babette are inspired to create a cabaret spectacular celebrating their own anatomy. A small group of conservative townspeople led by Taylor start a petition to get the show shut down for presumably lewd content. Stars Hollow High School’s feminist club ask Lane to help them stage a rock ‘n’ roll protest against the cabaret show being shut down. The show goes on and it’s a big hit. Even the curmudgeonly Taylor admits it made him emotional.

Episode 3: Fall

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  • Jackson’s attempt to grow the biggest pumpkin in the county conflicts with Sookie’s plan to bake the largest pumpkin pie in the county for Thanksgiving at the inn. Their children are caught in the middle as Sookie plots to steal the massive gourd and Jackson tries to defend it with booby traps. All of Rory’s former boyfriends get drunk together and debate which of them was the worst. They get matching tattoos.

Episode 4: Winter

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  • Kirk takes over for Taylor as Town Selectman but where Taylor was bumbling, Kirk is militant. Everyone recalls how his leadership in planning the Winter Wonderland festival sucked all the wonder out of an otherwise charming event. When Kirk uses his position on various town committees and the wealth he acquired from his many jobs to build a bronze statue of his recently deceased cat (also named Kirk) in the town square, the townspeople mutiny. The people of Stars Hollow see the statue as a symbol of Kirk’s tyranny. Everyone hated that cat, including Kirk. Lorelai and Rory each eat 100 tacos.

A Happy Gilmore Girls Day to all! Copper boom!

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